intimate relationship

I will not write out the word "polyamorous" every time, so when you see me use the word "poly", you will know I am strictly talking about polyamory, not polygamy, swingers or polysexuals, just plain polyamory, but the polyamory that I feel is new, fresh & based on equality.

So far the closest author I can find to describe what I consider to be my definition of poly is Deborah Anapol.

I strongly recommend you getting her book if you are either just starting off exploring the poly lifestyle, have already been exploring it for a little while or are asking yourself if you are suited for a poly relationship even if you are still poly because one can be poly all they want, that doesn't mean that type of relationship is for them.

Let me talk about equality for a second because I just had a male who is attached in an open poly relationship contact me, & he had very strong issues surrounding this word "equality".

I thought it was only most couples who felt the 3rd couldn't be equal, but now after talking to this guy, I can see it's an issue for even couples who see people on their own.

Some couples seem to have this way of twisting the word "equality" around. When people twist other people's words around, it's either because there is a lack of communication or in my case, I tried to explain myself about 3 times to this guy & it still didn't do any good so that usually means the person doesn't want to hear & understand what the other person is saying, because they emotionally can't. They have too many issues surrounding whatever the topic is & they can't be objective. In this case it was about equality in a poly relationship.

At first I don't believe that any additional person coming into an already existing relationship can be a part of the person's life the same way as the first SO. That's whether they are to see both people together or only one person on their own.

Saying all of that, once a person starts to become serious with the other person and/or the couple, yes, they should be considered an equal within the family context.

For some reason so many people freak out at this idea of equality & say things like...

"you are delusional to think anyone will think of you as equal", (this one I've heard a few times now. People projecting their life onto mine & my hopes & dreams. Those are the same types of people that try to bring people down by telling them they shouldn't open a business because it won't work or telling others how to conduct their lives. Usually this is done out of fear or jealousy through control. The "I know what's better for you than you do." scenario.)

"I have a duty to my first partner because we made a pact/agreement." (who said they don't? No one says it, but the person is so emotional they just assume that is what you mean when you talk about equality.)

"I'm not going to ignore my partner for you" (why would you? Did anyone ask you to do this? Does equality mean to ignore one for another? Of course not. Equality means that ALL people are equal because they are all human beings, not just new ones or old ones.)

"You expect me to just let you move in with us?" (Right away? Of course not, but if you were getting serious with someone & you were mono, wouldn't you want to move in together after a certain amount of time? Where's that fear coming from?)

"I share my finances with my SO now & you expect me to trust you with all of this?" (first off you share whatever you want with whomever you want & just because I was serious with someone doesn't mean I would let them take over my finances. I don't feel there is any hard & fast rule on this one. Also, if you are getting serious with someone & you don't trust them, then you shouldn't be getting serious with them in the first place because your money is not more important than your emotional well being.)

"You won't find anyone looking for equality & any couple that tells you that is just lying to you." (I read this comment as "I can't fathom any triad, V or quad allowing all people to be equal therefore no one else can manage that impossible feat.")

"You have never been in a poly relationship so what do you know." (I remember when I was 18 yrs. old & no one wanted to give me a job because I had no experience. Being the logical person I am LOL, I said "how the hell am I going to gain experience if no one will let me have a job?" Yes it is easier to talk than to act, but you never know how a person is going to act until you get to know them.

I'm not here to defend myself because I shouldn't have to. I'm intelligent, have the desire to make things work, I have worked on a lot of my issues & am aware of the ones I still have left. I have worked on myself for years & in my opinion, that makes a person a perfect candidate for a good healthy relationship. I know what types of traits I would be compatible with so I'm not sitting here just running off with anyone. If that's not good enough for others, than I wouldn't have anything to do with them in the first place & I have heard there are a lot of poly couples that refuse to get involved with a person who has never had a poly relationship before. That arrogance is not something I would deal well with. Every person should be evaluated on their own merit based on who they are as a person, not how many poly relationships they have had in their past. This isn't a contest, it's a journey to learn about life.

In my opinion, people who talk like this still have a lot of issues they have to address before I would feel comfortable having a poly relationship with them. There is just too much fear there.

In my opinion, they should not be in the lifestyle until they clear these issues because they hinder the very essence of what poly stands for.

I'm not saying that people should be fearless.

All people have some fears including myself, but obviously the comments made above come from people who have huge fears about someone who is going to try & take over their relationship just because they expect equality down the road.

I say this all the time, so I'll say it again just so I'm clear... I never said or even implied that I expect to be considered equal within the first week of dating someone.

Mono people also go through a growing period when they first start dating a person, so why should it be any different with a poly person?

It shouldn't, but at some point a mono person wants to get more serious & expects to be an equal part of that person's life & the same thing applies with poly people.

I'm bringing this up because if you are one half of a couple or the actual couple (both of you) and you feel that the 3rd can never be equal, than please don't respond to my personal essay.

This is not the poly lifestyle I am interested in, nor would I ever disrespect myself by being in a relationship where I am considered second choice.

I know it is hard for couples to open their hearts up to others and view this as an equal playing field, but anything less is just not a spiritual relationship in my opinion & once again, this is not what I consider polyamory in the New Millennium.

Now what I seek to start off with is someone who can have a platonic friendship with a female (me) & you value that friendship & me as a human. This means you don't disappear when it's clear you ain't gettin any (pardon my language). Since I know this is almost next to near impossible for the majority of people (that's males, females & couples) to do, I will not be compatible with the majority of you based on that reason alone.

No matter what people say, I have heard it all before & actions always speak louder than words, but I am not here to prejudge you as you should know yourself as a person. I certainly don't at this point.

I seek males, females &/or couples who see females as human beings & just another gender that is equal to the male gender.

Yes we are totally different in the way we look, how our bodies function & our general personality traits, but that has absolutely nothing to do with males being better than females contrary to what society, some of our parents still teach us & what most humans still believe deep down inside.

I have had to come to terms with the fact that even though this is the year 2002, that most people still feel that females are of less value than males, that males are smarter & that females still feel men are of more importance & that they need a man to take care of them because they are too weak to do it themselves even if they are professional women.

Yes it did hurt & shock me when I first realized this & no, I am not naive, I just thought things had changed, but I was deeply wrong.

So far I am the only female I know that has NEVER felt that a male was better than me.

In fact I grew up in a chauvinistic home & I still never felt that way. It didn't even cross my mind to think that just because someone is of a different gender, that automatically makes them better than me.

It made no sense to me & no, I don't consider myself a feminist. I don't see the relevance in that because females are no better than males either. I just feel we are different & meant to compliment one another if we can learn to love & understand & that we are all humans no matter what gender we were born.

So, I consider myself a humanist instead.

I am not looking to rush into anything with anyone. I want to see if our friendship can grow strictly as platonic friends, so please read my platonic friend section before continuing on here...

I'm an SS (Scorpio/Sagittarius) cusper & for all of you that are scared of Scorpios, give me a break please.

I'm happy to say I've gotten rid of most of those stereotypical traits Scorpios have like jealousy, revenge, but still have the passion, drive & attention to detail & perfection they are known for.

I am not the type that feels having a mono relationship is out of the question to start off with, but that we are both aware that I am a true poly & you should be too as you or I or both of us would eventually be seeking a poly relationship when the time is right.

I don't feel that we take breaks from being poly, we just don't necessarily find the right people all at the same time which is understandable.

I just can't imagine a mono person accepting a poly relationship & having his/her relationship with their poly partner be healthy.

Yes I am what I consider a "true poly", but just like everyone has to start somewhere, so do I, so getting to know one person at a time is not a problem for me & is actually preferred unless I meet a couple (either M/F, M/M or F/F) that I feel compatible with.

I am not looking for people who fantasize about poly relationships & there are tons of those people out there who could care less if they are compatible with the person, all they seem to care about is that we are both poly, so let's get it on.

In fact, I am not the only single poly female who encounters this problem & we both agree that we do not want anything to do with these very delusional types.

I feel that people who do this really are living in a fantasy world & don't understand what a true poly relationship is all about.

They have probably found out about poly, started calling themselves poly within a 24 hour period & did absolutely no research or searching within to see if this is indeed the lifestyle for them.

Having a goal is one thing, being so obsessed with how this whole poly relationship is going to work out is another thing entirely that I have learned is not my thing.

I've had so many males speak to me on the phone in the very first conversation asking me all sorts of questions as to how I see the poly relationship working out, what kind of poly relationship I'm seeking, how many people etc. etc.

I've never ever ever been asked those types of serious questions as to how I see the relationship proceeding.

No mono person would dare jump to conclusions when they don't even know the person. The other person would run very fast & I don't blame them.

I feel one of the main reasons is he/she is living a fantasy in their head instead of living in reality.

Those types of people are not who I'm seeking.

They are rushing things before even becoming my friend. They appear desperate or anxious to get it going so to speak & based on my experience, people who talk big do very little in real life.

I find they are thinking of the thrill of a poly relationship (usually the sexual aspect) instead of taking it seriously as any long term mono relationship would be taken.

This is serious, not a game show.

If you are most likely the type that will quiz me on all of this within the first 1-3 conversations on the phone & we haven't even met to see if we click, then please understand we are not compatible at all, so there is no need to continue reading any further.

I used to ask a whole bunch of questions upfront, but now because I'm seeking friendship as a starting point, I just let things unfold. It's not hard to figure out who's just looking for the sexual part & who's looking for more.

Please read my Poly vs. Swinging site before you e-mail me because not only will that explain in detail what I consider a true poly to be, but the last 2 pages of the 4 page site will also detail what type of poly relationship I am seeking when all things fall into place.

That site has more to it than the links located in my menu to the right.

To recap here, I am eventually seeking a loving ongoing relationship with either a single or already committed poly man (bi or hetero), a single or already committed poly bi woman or a true poly couple that is either a M/M, M/F, or F/F. I am seeking people who have become my platonic friends first.

I am NOT seeking swingers or polysexuals & those pretending to be true polys.

I am very very very good at weeding those people out real quick so please don't even try.

I'll repeat again since a lot of people don't seem to understand my English....

If your main intent &/or interest is sex and/or shallowness, I am a very intuitive person & will pick up on that right away & bid you farewell. I am seeking platonic friends who value me as a person, not a sexual object. I seek only people who feel that the female gender is equal to the male gender. I seek people who want to build a long term committed loving relationship that starts off as friends & builds from there, not where it starts off with sex & you try to build backwards.

You are few & far between for sure, but I know you are out there.

I am biamorous & not homophobic & that goes for males as well.

Now please click here to read about my spiritual history.

Aren't these beautiful poly parrots? They represent a loving polyamorous union and are the symbol for polyamory.

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations

--Kahlil Gibran

Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.

--Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1809-1892) In Memoriam, 1850, line 27, stanza 4

My complete Personal Essay

Poly Site's Main Menu page

Why I screen on the net

My Introduction

Seeking Platonic Friends

What I have to offer You

Type of poly relationship

What I physically seek in others

Your Personality

Extra words for couples

If you find any errors, bugs, typos etc., please contact me here giving me the URL of the page plus copying the paragraph where the error is.

Thank you so much for letting me know.

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